I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
