We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
