Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
