"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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