A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
