remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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