I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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