My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
