chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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