It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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