just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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