a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
