when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
