People with herpes should wear stickers.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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