i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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