Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
