no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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