Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
