i already hear my dad disowning me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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