if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Floor bacon is actually really good
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
