so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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