this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
