She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
