So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
