well I can't set my house on fire every night
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
