I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
