Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
