Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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