I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
