you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So much Jack, so little girl.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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