Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize