He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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