I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize