Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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