Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
