Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
