yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I got inside last night via doggy door
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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