last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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