woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize