Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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