Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
