I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
