I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
