she woke up with a sticky ear
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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