quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
