I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
