Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
