I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
