i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
