He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
