My hand turned me down
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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