my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
