Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
