and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and she was petting her beer can
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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