This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
