I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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