Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
