a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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