So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize