So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
