I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
