I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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