My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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