How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
