I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
