i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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